Experiencing a range of emotions, including guilt, after a miscarriage is completely normal and a natural part of the healing process. It may take days, weeks or months for that guilt to set in, but when it does, it might have you questioning everything you did or didn’t do prior, during and after your miscarriage. Intense emotional distress tends to lessen at six weeks, but can continue for months and sometimes even longer. The recommendation is for women to begin initial therapy within one week of loss.
In this story, we’ll look at six common reasons why you might feel guilty after you experience a miscarriage, even when you know that there was nothing you did—or could have done—to cause your circumstance. In this story, we will also dive into ways to embrace your emotions and move beyond the guilt.
Self-Blame: The Silent Saboteur
After a miscarriage, many women feel a deep sense of responsibility. They often believe that their actions or inactions contributed to the loss of their child. The sense of responsibility and self-blame might arise out of messages from society or close family members believing that women have one hundred percent control over their bodies and pregnancy. Women often attempt to do what is best for them during pregnancy, like sleeping a certain way, eating more nutrient-dense foods, changing up their workouts, and decreasing stress, so when there’s a loss with no medical explanation, women tend to internalize the belief that they did not do enough or do it “right.”
Emotional Attachment and Bond
For women, emotional attachment begins early in pregnancy. For women going through IVF, the attachment may start in transfer. The loss early on in pregnancy may feel more as if a child has been lost, not a pregnancy. While both women and their partners will experience the loss, partners tend not to feel attachment until 20 weeks when the baby begins to move. Since more miscarriages happen before 20 weeks, there is a different attachment and feeling of loss between the woman and partner. Grief and guilt intensify with a higher level of emotional attachment early on in pregnancy.
Confusion Around the Cause of a Miscarriage
Most miscarriages are linked to chromosomal abnormalities or other medical factors beyond a woman’s control. The confusion lies when so many people still believe that stress, physical activities, or what the mother did or did not do can cause the miscarriage. Education about what causes and does not cause a miscarriage helps to decrease confusion.
The Loss of Identity
So much of pregnancy involves the vision of the future with the child and how the woman’s world becomes shifted. Early in pregnancy, a woman begins to ground herself in her new identity as a pregnant person and a mom-to-be. When a miscarriage occurs, the identity shifts or feels completely lost. A question is often posed: “Who Am I now?”. The other challenging part of the identity shift is a lack of control. The woman cannot control what identity she lost and what the current one feels like.
Stigma Creates Isolation
Unfortunately, there is still a stigma surrounding miscarriage, which creates isolation for many women. Miscarriages had once been something kept secret and are now being far more talked about. When miscarriages happen before a pregnancy announcement, women sometimes suffer alone and feel unsupported because no one knows what they are going through. Keeping a pregnancy quiet then a loss turns into guilt of not having shared earlier on and unsure how to speak of the loss and when.
The Dreaded Hormones
Throughout your menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and miscarriage, your hormones play a role. Hormonal shifts after a miscarriage can intensify all emotions, including guilt. Speak with your doctor about having your hormone levels checked during this time and ask for ways to support your hormones until they are regulated.
Excessive Guilt Happens
Excessive guilt can impair daily functioning and lead to avoidance of activities or situations. Some events that may trigger feelings of guilt may be interacting with a pregnant friend, avoiding baby showers, or interacting with children. The presence of long-term intense guilt may indicate a mental health issue such as PTSD, Depression, or anxiety. It is best to work with a licensed mental health professional if you are experiencing persistent guilt, anxiety, depression, or PTSD. Some women experience intrusive thoughts about what they could have done differently during their pregnancy, which prevents them from moving forward and creates more complicated mental health challenges. This is okay, and there is help!
Ways to Make Peace With the Guilt After Miscarriage
The grief will be there in different ways, but letting go of the guilt will allow the grief to flow without anchoring in self-blame. The days, weeks, and months after a miscarriage, one or all of these strategies will help you move through the feelings of guilt. Remember to move at your own pace and seek guidance from professionals.
Professional Help
Finding a therapist who is experienced in working with women and miscarriages is a great way to anchor yourself in the healing journey. When looking for a therapist, rapport is more important than intervention, so ask for a consultation to see if the therapist is a good fit. Ask for referrals from your doctor, friends, or local mom groups.
Embrace Emotions
There are times when you want to forget your feelings and emotions exist. You may even want to push them aside or put them in a box to forget about them. The path to healing involves sitting with your emotions and embracing them no matter how uncomfortable. This is where growth happens. You may sometimes need to put them away but do so briefly, then bring your emotions back out to process them.
Clarification and Education
In the moment during or after a miscarriage, you may have missed vital facts the doctors have shared with you. That time is a blur, so reach out and ask your questions. If there is something you are unsure of or want further knowledge, press your doctors for more information. You will find strength in being assertive and in reminding yourself that the miscarriage is not your fault.
Nurture Yourself: Small Acts, Big Impact
You hear the term self-care frequently, and that is because it is essential during all seasons of life, especially this one. Self-care looks different for everyone, so find healthy practices that ground, recharge, and allow for expression. Self-care does not need to be an all day event; you can create small moments of it. For instance, mindful breathing, tapping, walking out in nature, or writing in a journal are some examples.
Finding Healing Through Memorials
For some of my clients, creating a memorial has been a helpful tool to grieve and lessen the guilt. It also gives you a place to go and be with your feelings. Some of the ways my clients have created a memorial are planting a tree or flowers, birthstone jewelry, hosting a baby naming ceremony, creating art, writing poems or stories, creating a memory box, creating a ceremony or memorial service, or naming a star. Remember, you can create whatever you’d like as a memorial that holds meaning for you.
The Value of Connection in Miscarriage Guilt
Finding support in your partner friends or joining support groups allows you to continue expressing your thoughts and feelings. By talking with others who have had miscarriages provides a sense of community, knowing you are not alone. Support groups also raise awareness of feelings while providing comfort to reduce isolation.
Sharing Your Story
Lastly, sharing your story with those around you or with other audiences is a way to move through the guilt. You can choose to share your story in ways that feel good to you. I’ve had clients share on social media, in forums, books, podcasts, and even interviews on a larger scale.
