My Own Miscarriages Inspired Me to Be a Surrogate for Other Moms

One woman's infertility journey, marked by miscarriage, inspired her to become a gestational carrier for other mothers who couldn't.

I had my very first miscarriage at the age of 22. I was fresh out of college, still living at home, single and living life without a care without a stable career.As you can imagine, a pregnancy was the last thing I had planned for and, as hard as it is to admit, I was somewhat relieved when I found out I was miscarrying before I was able to schedule and have an abortion.

All in all, it was a traumatic experience. I had very little support and I still felt that the choice of whether or not to have this child was taken away from me. 

Fast forward a few years and I met my husband Max. We were so lucky to not struggle to conceive when we decided to grow our family, and got pregnant with our first child, our daughter McKenna, relatively quickly. Her birth was textbook—even better. In Kourtney Kardashian style, I was able to deliver her myself. I remember feeling elated and a deep sigh of relief. Yes, this is how it’s supposed to be. 

However, when we tried for our second, I experienced another miscarriage. We went in for our first prenatal appointment and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. 

Time passed, and while the wounds never really healed, we felt ready to try again. We were blessed to experience a positive pregnancy with our son, Jack, a few months into trying and his birth was even easier than McKenna’s. 

Shortly thereafter I was pregnant with my third child, Charlie. At the end of the day, the pregnancy went well. But while I was pregnant with him, there was still this nagging voice in the back of my mind about something happening to him. Oh, this is going to be another miscarriage. So, when Charlie was born, I was finally able to let out that relief… our family was complete. 

The losses experienced were unexplained. It didn’t make sense when the pregnancies with my living children went so well. I was so blessed to have such healthy and wonderful children. We know today that miscarriages are more common than we realize, especially in the first few weeks of pregnancy. There are even times where a woman has a miscarriage before she realizes she was even pregnant. 

The fact that I was able to have healthy children and easy pregnancies catapulted my motivation and drive to want to help other women. Even thinking about Surrogacy, I didn’t know at the time if I could even qualify because I had losses. 

I knew surrogacy was for me… but it took some time for my husband, Max to be open to the idea. We watched one of his cousins go through their own infertility journey to the point where I offered to carry for her (this would be for their second child, as she was unable to sustain a pregnancy for about 10 years) but they opted to move forward in a different direction. In case you’re wondering, things worked out for them—they ended up with 3 boys. I knew that there were so many other women, and other people out there, who could really use my help. 

Max wasn’t thrilled about the idea, and after just having another baby, I couldn’t blame him. It wouldn’t be just a commitment from me, but him as well, because he’s the one who would have to be okay to take care of me. Even though he’d be emotionally unattached to the baby itself, he still cares about me and my body. 

Suffice to say, I did some research in the background to learn more about it. I was super curious about the process and genuinely felt like it was a good fit. Almost a year later, despite being shot down many times, he did eventually agree. To this day, I’m still not sure if it was my ‘nagging’ or just my passion that helped him change his mind. It’s also possible that he had relaxed a little bit from us having two babies back-to-back and not having any sleep.

With Max and my doctor’s blessings, I jumped right in. 

I met my first couple through an online community forum and had a little girl for them. The pregnancy was amazing and my feelings about ‘the pattern’ started to finally lift, as I was able to provide this unbelievably rewarding experience. I knew I had to do it again. I believe it’s a surrogate’s role to either start, build or complete someone’s family. In this case, I was able to complete their family as they had to have an emergency hysterectomy with their second.

My journeys after that went quite smoothly and over short periods of time. My second journey was boy-girl twins, with my third journey directly after that. The fourth journey (who I met through my first journey) followed that.

After that, my couple from the third journey approached me to do a sibling journey. “Yes, Let’s do this!” I said, excitedly.

My husband and I were hosting a barbeque one evening. I was about 19 weeks along this sibling journey. Our guests had left, and Max and I were cleaning up. I remember walking through the kitchen, and I felt a familiar feeling. 

I started to bleed, which didn’t set me into a panic too much yet because I had bled with surrogate pregnancies in the past. It can be scary for most, but I felt experienced enough at this point I wasn’t too worried. With all my pregnancies, I had invested in a Doppler to have at home so I could listen to the baby’s heartbeat and make sure everything was okay. I gave my OB a call (bless her), where she walked me through the next steps and to just keep an eye on the situation. 

Not too long after the call, however, I was getting up off my bed to go to the bathroom and the bleeding got worse. Panic started to set in at this point, so after a quick call to my OB again, she agreed that I should head to the ER.

“Your fluid is decreasing.” The doctor said, after we confirmed through ultrasounds that everything looked okay, but with further evaluation determined that my water sack was bulging to a point where it wasn’t protecting the baby any longer. My ears started ringing when I heard the words “You’re going to miscarry.” 

Like a scene from a movie, I couldn’t take in any of the words they were saying. “I don’t understand, there’s a heartbeat… the baby’s moving. I can feel them!” in which I was escorted onto the OB floor for continued observation. 

That’s when after a few more scans, they confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat.

I lost it.

I kept asking myself all kinds of questions, the biggest one being, what happened? This was someone else’s baby that I was supposed to be protecting!

It was my job to take care of this baby. While I had to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t fail (as tempting as it is to say that to myself), it was just a flood of emotion from my previous experiences of this loss. 

The guilt I felt that I failed my husband, or my body failed me. The worst part was, the parents weren’t even there, so now we had to call and give them the news. Making that phone call was one of the hardest things to do… because there was no real explanation, and no closure. We felt confident that we were in the ‘safe zone’ at this point, so the possibility of miscarriage started to wane from the mind as I got further along in the pregnancy. 

Our hearts broke. Then, of course, came the part of having to go into induced labor to have the baby. This was probably my hardest delivery… because I had to push for such a long time (which makes sense because the body wasn’t ready!) but on top of that, I was emotionally unprepared for this and it was overall an awful experience because of that. 

I was alone. I didn’t want to uproot my husband and kid’s routines, so they stayed at home. The parents didn’t live in the area, so they weren’t there, either. I was so thankful for such a great team at the hospital. It was a whirlwind of emotion… sadness and misunderstanding. The doctors kept coming in to assure me that I didn’t do anything wrong. After the delivery, I had to have a D&C again and so I was in and out of the hospital, and eventually was able to go back home. 

I remember there was a brief thought at the time… I am never going to do this again.

How would I ever be able to let someone down again? I just did it, and it took me a long time to be able to get over the fact that it wasn’t my fault and didn’t do anything wrong. These things just happen, sometimes. We can’t necessarily ever know or understand why or get that closure. We just need time and that healing process to be able to deal with the physical and emotional process.

I gave myself time to heal and saw my doctor and specialists again. The health of the Surrogate and baby-to-be are the priority; and of course, as I have more and more babies (and get older) it can become more of a risk for all involved. As someone who has now been through different kinds of loss, it’s something that I’ve learned to be open about to help others in their own journey. I wanted to carry again, so I ended up moving ahead to do a sibling journey for my fourth journey couple. I ended up having twins for them, and thereby completing their family for them with three children. 

We weren’t done yet! I had met my fifth couple through my OB office. I’ve been asked in the past about my Intended Parent criteria, and honestly, I gauge a variety of factors into me offering to be their Surrogate (if they’ll have me). We were blessed with a smooth pregnancy for them, and currently halfway through a sibling journey for them!

I reflect on the twists and turns of my journey, with a variety of loss, love and miracles. The road to building a family is often marked by heartache, but it’s also paved with unimaginable strength. The pain of my own miscarriages could have defined me, left me broken. They could have silenced me. Yet, it became a catalyst for something extraordinary. Through the tears, questioning and doubt, I found a purpose beyond my own story.

I stepped into the world of surrogacy, not as an escape from grief, but as hope for others. Each journey is a unique chapter! They’re stories of perseverance and the triumph of life over loss. There were moments where I questioned whether I could endure the heartache again, whether I could face the uncertainty. The memory of the labor room, the pain (both physical and emotional) lingered. But then, I realized, in embracing the pain… I discovered an unexpected wall of strength within myself. My journey has become a fire that is fueled with not just my own healing but has become a warmth for others. So, to the woman who felt betrayed by her body, to the couple yearning for a child, I say this: there is strength in the broken pieces… in the mending of wounds. Life may not unfold as we planned, but it unfolds nonetheless, in its own way.

I am grateful for my journey. I’m grateful for the pain that led to purpose, for the losses that made room for the miracles. And, for every heartbeat, every tiny hand that found its way into the arms of those who had almost given up. To those considering Surrogacy, to those navigating the storms of loss, I share my journey not as a tale of sorrow, but as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. 

In the end, this isn’t just my story. It’s a story of hope, of love, and the incredible capacity of the human heart to heal and to give. As I write this, with the echoes of 10 healthy babies (and an 11th on the way), I know that the journey, in all its unpredictability, has been nothing short of extraordinary.

Author

  • Emily Westerfield is a surrogacy expert, passionate surrogacy advocate, and a five-time gestational carrier. As one of the Co-Founders and Gestational Carrier program Director at Carrying Dreams, Emily has helped hundreds of intended parents and surrogates throughout their journeys.

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