Miscarriage is a deeply painful experience, and the emotional, physical and mental toll can be overwhelming. For parents, the added complexity of explaining this unexpected loss to their children can feel insurmountable. Balancing your own grief and emotions while also trying to manage your child’s feelings and confusion about what happened is a daunting task.
Pregnancy loss is already such a hard topic to discuss (and explain and process) for those who have experienced it. But talking to your child about miscarriage can feel like an impossible, overwhelming task. How do you find the right words to explain something so profound to such a young child while you’re still trying to grapple with your own understanding, not to mention other adults around you?
When you explore how to talk to your child about miscarriage, open communication is essential for helping your child understand what happened. Allowing your child to ask questions and express their feelings can help them process the situation. Your child has a deep connection to you and can often sense when something is wrong. Whether you have a young toddler or a teenager, knowing how to effectively navigate a conversation about miscarriage can make all the difference in not only their emotions but also your own.
“When discussing a miscarriage with children, parents who may be also grieving may find it hard to share the loss with their children. This is normal and to be expected. When a parent decides to share with their children, it is important to be clear and honest, providing simple explanations appropriate to each child’s age and development level. It is okay for children to ask questions. Try responding with patience and understanding, which helps them feel secure and included in the conversation. It also teaches them they do not have to hide their feelings. Create a safe space for them to express and process their emotions, reassuring them that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry and that you are there to support them through these feelings,” says Laura Copley, PhD, professional counselor and certified trauma specialist.
In this article, we cover everything you need to know about how to talk to your child about miscarriage:
- Understanding your child’s age and development level
- How to create a supportive environment
- How to address common questions and concerns they may have
- Choosing the right time and place for the conversation
- How to incorporate grief and loss into the discussion
- When you may need to seek professional help
By approaching these conversations openly and honestly, you can help your child handle their emotions and help them understand that it’s okay to feel sadness, confusion or even anger. Your family is so important, and while you’ve faced a loss, there is a path forward, and we want to help you find it and figure out how to talk to your child about miscarriage.
Understanding Your Child’s Age and Development Level
When talking to your child about miscarriage , it’s important to remember that their age and developmental stage can affect how they understand things. We broke down children’s age groups to help you tailor the conversation to them:
- How to Talk to Young Children About Miscarriage (Ages 2-6)
- How to Talk to Elementary To Middle School-Aged Children About Miscarriage (7-12)
- How to Talk to Teenagers About Miscarriage (13+)
Young children (Ages 2-7)
During these young and poignant years , children have only a small understanding of the concepts of death or loss. Many have yet to experience a close death in the family and may not be able to understand the meaning or even know how to accept the fact that someone or something has been lost. For this age group, it’s essential to keep the dialogue simple, but honest.
“With younger children, I think it’s important to use direct and simple language so they don’t get confused, explains Kaitlin Soule, L.M.F.T., licensed marriage and family therapist and author of A Little Less of a Hot Mess: The Modern Mom’s Guide to Growth & Evolution.
“For example, if you say you ‘lost’ the baby, your child might think it is simply missing and will return at some point,” she says. “In that case, it’s important to say something along the lines of ‘The baby that was growing inside of me is no longer growing; it died and won’t be coming back. Mom and Dad feel sad, and it’s okay for you to feel sad too.”
She urges parents to remind their young children that they can talk about the topic whenever they feel they want to—and that you’re here to answer their questions.
Elementary to middle school children (7-12)
Children within this age range are beginning to better understand what death is and what it means. As you talk to your child about miscarriage, they may have more questions and concerns, not just about the loss, but also about their mother. When discussing a miscarriage with these children, be honest and provide more detail than you would to younger kids.
You might say, “Sometimes, even though we want another baby for our family, it just doesn’t happen. We wanted it to, and we were one step closer, but it’s not anyone’s fault.” Assure them that it’s okay to feel emotion about the loss and that you will validate their feelings and answer their questions clearly and as best as you can. Sometimes, these children are unsure how to comprehend how death will affect their lives, especially when it comes to bringing a life into the world. This can be a source of anxiety, so make sure they know that it’s okay to ask questions about what the loss means for them.
Teenagers and up (13+)
Teenagers are already at a difficult stage of life. While they grasp the concept of loss, they may be hesitant to seek support, often preferring to handle challenges alone. Teenagers sometimes don’t want to feel vulnerable or as if they are different from their peers, so navigating a conversation with them and supporting them afterwards may be harder.
When you open the conversation, be honest and detailed about what happened. Allow them to share their feelings, but if they don’t want to, that’s okay, too. You might say, “While losing the baby is hard on us, it’s okay for you to feel a lot of emotions too. We will be here for you whenever you are ready to talk.” Sometimes, even just sitting in silence with your teenager can offer support.
Creating a Supportive Environment for Your Family After Miscarriage
Regardless of your child’s age, when navigating how to talk to your child about miscarriage, it’s crucial to create a supportive environment where they feel comfortable asking questions about the loss and expressing their emotions. With all ages, remember to do these things:
Use simple and honest language.
Avoid euphemisms or vague words that could confuse your child. Be as straightforward as possible about the loss, and make sure they feel comfortable asking questions.
Be patient:
Especially with younger children, kids may ask the same questions repeatedly, but this is them only trying to process what has happened. They are doing what they can to make sense of the information they are receiving. Make sure you are patient and understanding with them during these conversations.
Provide reassurance and support:
Remember to tell them it isn’t anyone’s fault that the loss happened. Be open to hearing their emotions in the moment or the days following.
How to Address Your Child’s Questions and Concerns They May Have About Miscarriage
It’s important to answer your child’s questions truthfully and with as much information as possible, depending on the age group. Here are some common ones they may ask and how you can approach answering them:
- “Why did the baby die?”
- How to answer: “Sometimes the baby is not ready to grow, and they can’t stay with us. It’s nothing mommy did; sometimes these things just happen.”
2. “Is it my fault?”
- How to answer: “Of course not. Nothing you did caused this to happen. We know how much you loved the baby.”
3. “Can mommy have another baby?”
- How to answer: “Yes, sweetie, but it might not be for a while. We don’t know what will happen, but we can hope for a healthy and happy baby in the future.”
4. “Can I see the baby/where did the baby go?”
- How to answer: “The baby didn’t survive, so we can’t see them. But we can think about them and remember them.”
5. What happens now?”
- How to answer: “We work through it as a family. We are here for you if you need to talk about your feelings. We love you and always will.”
Choose the Right Time and Place
As you start having these conversations, it’s important to provide a calm and private setting for your children. Create a quiet space that is free of distractions for a discussion. This way, your child can really focus on what you are saying and ask questions or express emotions without judgment.
Incorporate Grief and Loss
As you have these discussions, remember that grief is normal for children after a miscarriage can manifest in many ways in children. Kids may be in denial about the loss and still think a new baby is on the way. They might feel deep sadness, and older children might suffer in silence or anger. But all of these emotions are normal. During this time, you can encourage your child to create a memorial for the loss, like a note or drawing. This may help them process the loss and provide a small sense of closure.
It’s also important that you don’t put on a “brave face.” You may feel that, as a parent, you never want to show weakness in front of your child. However, your kids seeing your emotions can help them release their own feelings and know it’s okay to express them.
Seek Professional Help
If you feel like your child is taking the loss extra heavily or there is a great deal of weight on your shoulders to help them, they could benefit from professional help. Therapists or grief counselors can provide your child with support and strategies for them to navigate their emotions and grief.
Resources that can help:
- Your pediatrician: Your child’s pediatrician can have recommendations for professional therapists or counselors.
- School counselors: Your child’s school most likely has counselors to support your child. Reach out to the school and see if they can offer help.
- Community resources: Research local hospitals or organizations offering online grief counseling services. There may even be support groups specifically for children who are dealing with grief.
Having a miscarriage is never easy, and trying to navigate how to talk to your child about miscarriage is no easier. As a parent, remember you are doing the best you can. No parent wants to give their child news that can make them sad, but you must be honest. Don’t hide your feelings, and take things one step at a time. You, your child and your family can find support and healing together. Learn more about how to navigate miscarriage grief with Miscarriage Movement.
